When I reflect on my formative years from childhood to young adulthood, I am amazed I became the person I am today. In my 60’s, my life embodies a big practicum of an array of traumas, joy, sadness, stress, career changes, goals and failures without limits. I can honestly say, with a small swallow of sorrow, that only now am I feeling confident in who I am becoming. Albeit late, I’m getting it. Why now? Because, the past couple years I have experienced sadness in trauma and sudden pivots that have altered the narrative I had envisioned in my life today.
In Winter of 2023, I found myself in a heartache so painful, I questioned my purpose to still be here. It took one time to have a fleeting visual moment of driving into the river on my way to work with a thought of “would they miss me?” I was in therapy the next day. Over the next 2 weeks and hours of therapy, I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. It was then, I began my journey of healing from childhood trauma and buried pain that I thought was “behind me.” My disturbing childhood is a part of my makeup and cannot be voided.
With family generational history of depression and various mental wellness challenges, I too have suffered with managing depression, fear and self worth most of my life. My growing up years were of constant sudden upheavals and required reticence. I have become comfortably familiar with and understand the gears of my heart that have been a driving force. I feel a courage and pride in knowing I am getting it and am feeling hopeful for the joys that are yet to be experience.
Taken from my mom at 3 years old, even as a teenager, my most passionate life’s desire was to be an amazing wife, mom, and grandmother. All three of those desires of which I had no real frame of reference for, I have devoted most of my life’s energy to. My journey to be thankful, content, and embrace what I get to experience now is filled with ingredients that are not always easily blended. It has been a tough, constant trek in and out of peaks and valleys. I’m so passionate about sharing my thoughts, experiences and lessons that have reshaped my heart and soul. My Heart Matrix has been reset, finally. By me. I did a reboot. But, now the hard work is ahead to master the new program and become the best me yet for my team of family, friends, coworkers and neighbors and everyone I get to touch. I hope you will join me in my journey and share with others of who have or are struggling late in life with past events and traumas that muddled up their true loving self.
I want to be a light for other wives, moms and grandmas, entering their retirement season, who are dreaming of peace, contentment, and joy in their finish.
~With Sincere Gratefulness, Diana
LadyDiRau 